A Thinking Man

Come on … It is Friday. Time for a little mirth.

The Landfill Prize is seeking nominations for the most needless, wasteful uses of our planet’s precious resources that you’ve seen, bought or been given in the past year. Whether it’s a razor with enough blades to shave the badger population of Britain, an automatic cucumber peeler, or a toothbrush with its own SatNav capability, they are looking for it. What would you nominate?

John Nash in The Times has pointed out that throughout history, and certainly since the Victorian era, some of humankind’s most creative brains have kept themselves busy by creating answers for needs that don’t exist, or creating solutions that are more cumbersome than the problems they promised to tackle. Here is my selection from Nash’s list of some of the 19th and 20th century’s most daft inventions.

The combined plough and gun (1862)

The American inventor claims, “Its utility is unquestionable, especially when used in border localities, subject to savage feuds and guerrilla warfare. In times of danger may be used in the field, ready charged with its deadly missiles of ball or grape. The share serves to anchor it firmly in the ground and enables it to resist the recoil, while the hand levers furnish convenient means of giving it the proper direction.” I suppose if you have enough land to be able to plough it, you need to be able to protect it. You just can’t be too careful these days.

Balloon propelled by eagles or vultures (1887)

First, catch your eagle or vulture. Then attach the large bird to a balloon cupola, point its beak in desired direction, then sit back, relax and enjoy the in-flight snacks and movie. And we all know that birds of prey are always amenable to what you want them to do and they never randomly peck at things.

Method of preserving the dead (1903)

Herkimer J. Karkowski, the New Yorker who devised this tidy and decorative form of body-disposal believed that bereaved people would love nothing more than seeing their departed hermetically encased within a block of transparent glass, and thus “maintained for an indefinite period in a perfect and lifelike condition”. If an entire glass-encased relative might take up too much parlour-space, Karkowski suggested just having their head done. Let’s face it (or not) - this isn’t for the squeamish, or for those who can let go.

Water filled brassiere (1988)

Wonderbra meets Waterworld. The American Inventor, James Moreau, explains it best (if it can be explained): “A brassiere which surrounds the breasts with water, so that a buoyant force provides improved and independent support for each breast. A transparent version is suggested for those who wish to make a fashion statement.” Kim, from San Diego claimed it really did give a ‘realistic’ boost to your bust - really. And it was great for filling with vodka in order to sneak alcohol into school dances.

The trouser cushion (1993)

British inventor Michael Bayley decided to put an end to standing nightmares by creating portable seat that you wear on a waist-belt. OK, it’s a somewhat convoluted version of having a cushion with a loop that goes through your belt. “The seat cushion is pivotable between a stowed position and a seating position in which it hangs down so that you can sit on it,” says the patent application. Obviously an essential fashion item. Panty-lines eat your heart out!

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The European patent office’s searchable patents database is at http://ep.espacenet.com/
United States Patent and Trademark Office’s database is at www.uspto.gov/patft/index.html

Tags: balloon, body disposal, bra, brassiere, cushion, eagle, gun, Herkimer Karkowski, inventions, inventors, James Moreau, John Nash, Landfill Prize, Michael Bayley, patent, plough, plow, preservation, trouser, vulture