“I resent my depressed wife” is the title of an honest piece published in today’s Times about a reader and his wife. When she became depressed, the quality of their life and relationship changed for the worse.
Depression can come out of the blue and touch even the most seemingly happy and well-adjusted people. Whether there is a physical cause, or a circumstantial one (or a combination of both), the effect on the individual can be devastating. A confident man may find he just cannot cope with his job, or any other responsibilities, following his own father’s death. A woman may find that the cumulative effects of years of stress and of failure to get promotion leaves her listless, unfocused, not coping with her work or life in general, and almost afraid to leave the house.
When depression hits an individual many people fail to recognise the potentially destructive effects that the depression can have on any close relationship until much later. Attention is initially focused on the depressed individual and care for the couple is ignored. However, a moment’s thought will reveal why a negative impact on the couple is highly likely if the depression continues for any serious length of time.
Many depressed people tend to withdraw. This may show itself in a change in their behaviour through them not wanting to face others. I still feel bad about not attending the funeral of a close friend of mine who died years ago when I was very depressed - I wanted to, but at the time, just couldn’t face meeting people or mixing with the crowds that were there. Regardless of any behavioural change, depression is likely to show itself in a growing focus on self (what may appear as selfishness) and a consequent difficulty in being empathic to others. You feel that you can barely ‘carry’ yourself and you know you certainly cannot ‘carry’ others.
When people are depressed, the dynamics of the couple relationship can change. Instead of it being healthy between two ‘equal’ partners, it can become one of increasing dependency for the depressed person. The caring partner finds an increasing workload, picking up the slack that the depressed person can no longer do. In addition to any extra physical workload, there is an increase in the initiative burden. The non-depressed partner starts to feel resentful that everything, including making the suggestions and choices, is left to her or him. In the long term, this understandable resentment can harden into bitterness.
Depression often leads to increasing lack of intimacy for couples. Again, this can have a physical manifestation in the death of a sex life (”I can’t cope with life, let alone a vulnerable sex life!”), but it is also likely to show itself in a decrease in emotional intimacy fueled by the withdrawal and dynamic change described above. Depressed people can be very silent, and feel there is little point in talking as nothing will change.
Sometimes people try to cope with depression by outrageous behaviour, and this places a further huge strain on any partner. The partner has to try to cope with the consequences of the depressed person desperately trying to mask their feelings - the outrageous spending, the gambling addiction, the pornography addiction, the frequent over-indulgence in alcohol, the rash and desperate decisions, the manic commitment to a cause, the office fling that was meant to rejuvenate, the work addiction.
The cumulative effect of all these things leads to the non-depressed partner becoming depressed. This is partly due to living for a long-time with someone who has a low mood. But it is also due to mourning. The non-depressed partner has had a huge loss. He or she feels that they have literally lost the person she or he fell in love with. They start to mourn the death of something that was important to them.
Some people move out of depression by themselves. Others succeed in burying the depression for a while. Others can be helped out of depression by a visit to a doctor, or competent therapist (or by a combination of both). However, the good news for couples is that although depression can be very destructive to the relationship, the fact that the depressed person is in a relationship can be very positive.
Whatever problems a couple experience, it is important for both partners to own the problem and for both of them to be committed to solving it together. It would be so easy (and understandable) for the non-depressed partner to blame the depressed person for the problem. However, if both can recognise the depression as something which doesn’t just exist in one of them, but affects both (it exists in their relationship), and if both partners can be committed to help solve it, then you have two creative human beings potentially co-operating to change something, rather than one person sitting isolated in a corner. Also, joint ownership can make it easier to talk about it in a non-threatening way.
If the depressed person can recognise the danger to the relationship, and if the non-depressed person can resist the blame and recognise that the depression is a problem for both of them, you have a good basis both for strengthening the relationship and for helping lift the depression.
Thanks for a helpful public service here. The effects on family members isn’t considered often enough.
My wife stayed close by my side during my own serious depression a long time ago, and it wasn’t until recently that I began to understand how difficult this was, and how courageous she had been.
depression is a modern disease. one has to ask why? (where are the causes? dietary? social? spiritual? the fulfillment is missing somewhere)
sometimes the best way to tackle depression is to get away and study the soul alone …
Thanks for a thoughtful, informative post.
wanderer7
I am not sure that depression is a modern disease or about lack of fulfilment. Martin Luther and Job are not modern people and seemed fulfilled to a point.
The causes are complex and different for different people.
In my experience, being alone for a long time and introverting is disastrous for a depressed person.
Outstanding post. I will give you more feedback at a later date. Glad you found the article interesting and I hope many people will read this. The bells of truth, truth, truth are still ringing in my ears.
Do you think it is possible for a couple to deal with depression in this way? I’m not sure I could - I could perhaps support someone who was depressed but I don’t think I could let someone into my depression if I were on the opposite side.
I am not sure I have ever been depressed - I had a black phase a year or so back and I cut everyone out of my life. But I was able to maintain day-to-day living quite well, I went through the motions but disengaged emotionally I suppose. If my other half had tried to talk to me about it, I would have run away. I didn’t want anyone else - I needed people just to be there in the background to make my life as normal as possible until I was better.
But I guess everyone is different, and maybe I was not truly depressed - or maybe if I had been able to talk to someone, involved my partner more, we might still be together now. Who knows? I rather think not.
Thought provoking post.
Depression is one of those things that people find hard to believe in until they experience it themselves.
Reluctant Blogger
I agree, everybody needs to do what they need to do, whatever is right for them.
I was coming at the topic through the eyes of someone who tries to work therapeutically with couples and was just keen to promote two ideas:
1) Depression in one influences both, so the sooner both parties realise that the better.
2) One way forward to is accept that because depression influences the relationship, it is de facto a joint problem. If two people can acknowledge that and work together with it, it can, in some situations, be more productive for both people concerned.
I think that the burden depression lays on partners, friends and family is often overlooked. Many depressed people I spoke to as a Samaritan said that people who had been close to them now avoided them. Partners may become ill themselves under the strain.
I went through a period of depression myself. Unfortunately, my partner of the time also became depressed because her mother was dying. We couldn’t help one another and resentment grew. Though we seemed to get over it, we eventually split up and this episode may well have played a part in that because the relationship was never the same after it.
So, being in a relationship may be helpful but, equally, it may not. It depends on the details of the relationship.
It may be a modern habit to call the disease “depression” but it’s been around for some time: it used to be called “melancholia” and similar names. Some of the great names of literature suffered from it and left testimonies of it in their writings.
By reading your article I realize that I am more depressed than I think I am!
Oh well, I am letting myself be these days.
Thanks for this thoughtful and insightful post. I was a bit reluctant to read it for fear I would find my husband…
I have been depressed since high school and have had years of counseling, plus medication. After marriage I had one counselor who would not see me alone. He said my husband is affected by my depression and he would need to see us both to insure a healthy relationship. He gave me more insight into the source of my depression and my husband learned how to live with my illness. I don’t say it isn’t hard on him, I know well what he endures, but he has been a stalwart for me. His unconditional love is incomprehensible.