One story which has been causing a fair amount of sniggers in the press this week is a research report by the UK Health Protection Agency indicating that sexually transmitted infections have doubled in under a decade in people over 45 and are now rising faster than in the young. (The overall rate of infections more than doubled over the eight-year period from 16.7 per 100,000 population to 36.3 per 100,0000.)
Typical comments on this story have been to express surprise that a) anyone over the age of 45 is sexually active, and b) that not only are people over 45 sexually active, but that more of them seem to be sexually active with more than one partner. Quite frankly, neither of those two things cause me the least bit of astonishment.
While there are always exceptions, the myth that most people stop having sex once they reach the age of 40 is simply that - a myth. It belongs in the same category as the belief that all mother-in-laws are evil, that all teenage males are knife-carrying murderers, and that all blonde females under the age of 30 are promiscuous bimbos. They may be short-hand caricatures useful for the press and for comedians, but most of us know that they are far from the truth.
Some couples over 45 even claim greater sexual satisfaction with age - they are more relaxed, more knowledgeable about what they want and what gives pleasure to their partner. As with any creative and skilful activity, there are some benefits that can come with experience for those who are able to utilize that experience.
The fact that over 45’s may now be having more than one sexual partner is equally unremarkable. In my professional work as a counsellor/therapist I have seen many shocked men in their early fifties, devastated by the fact that their wives have suddenly left them (rarely for another partner). Because people are living longer, 50 is now seen as relatively young. Because there is no longer the stigma about divorce that there used to be, more people are contemplating it. Years ago a woman may have tolerated a loveless marriage because she had little chance of financial security without her husband, because there was stigma to divorce, and because there was little point in leaving as life was short anyway. Now a 50 year old woman can expect to have another 30 years left at least, can have financial independence, and can leave without stigma. In my experience, once the children have grown up, more and more of them are saying, “I can’t tolerate another 30 years of this,” and are leaving in a way which they wouldn’t have done even 20 years ago. There are now more singles over the age of 45 than ever before.
Not only are there more people in this age group available - all with legitimate sexual needs looking for ways of getting those needs met - but there is also much more likelihood of people actually meeting up. Technology has revolutionised contact.
First it has transformed the traditional contact groups - the lonely hearts clubs that used to advertise in the local papers. There are a plethora of dating groups enabling you to ‘allegedly’ meet the person of your dreams, but now offering you a world wide selection. The choice can be staggering, but statistically, if you have the stomach for the search, you are likely to eventually find at least one. There are stories of disasters out there (especially where naive people fail to take into account any likely cultural clash), but there are also some heart-warming ones too.
Secondly, the internet has also facilitated the opportunities for ‘no strings’ sexual contact for those looking for it. Popular sites with titles such as ‘Married But Looking’ and ‘Mature Adult Friend Finder’ speak for themselves. The internet is also credited with, or blamed for, the alleged rise in the number of people (male and female) using prostitutes. Technology has made contact much more private and much easier. Of course, such contact carries risks, and there have been murders, but for some, the risk is part of the thrill. I used to know one respectable clergyman’s wife in her 50’s who regularly met up with more than one stranger for the kind of sexual activity she fantasized about and was unable to get through ‘more normal channels’. Whatever your views about this kind of contact, it is clearly happening on a significant scale, and I suspect the ease of contact means that it is happening more than it ever did in the past.
Thirdly, the use of texting, email, VOIP calls, webcams, and chat programs have all made contact easier. Using your computer you can now have a videocall for free with anyone in the world who has a a computer, a webcam, and an internet connection. The world is smaller. Communication is easier. And it is easier to have secret contact.
In addition to technology, there are other factors influencing the increase in sexual contact in the over 45 age group. The greater availability of cheap air travel means that it is actually easier to meet up with partners contacted on the internet. The availability of Viagra means that those men who were experiencing difficulty are now less likely to be disabled.
While I am not shocked by the fact that people over 45 have sex, and am not shocked that they are more likely than ever before to have contact with more than one sexual partner, I am surprised by the increase in sexually transmitted diseases. I am surprised that this age group, which has lived through the early discovery of AIDS, is failing to practise safe sex when playing away or with a new partner. There seems to be a naivety here more reminiscent of some teenagers. The fact that many of the women in this age group are unlikely to get pregnant means that many of the men and women think that there is no need for a condom for their sexual liaisons. Perhaps this group thought that safe sex was something that young people needed to bother about, and that it was something that didn’t concern them. Now that some of them are ‘back in the market place’ it clearly doesn’t concern them, though it ought to.
Once the sniggering has stopped about this story, one can only hope that it helps convey the message that sexual health is an issue for all ages and that over 45’s are at risk too.
Another factor (apart from possible naivety and over-optimism) might be misapprehensions about exactly who gets STDs. Many people think that”nice people” don’t get such diseases and that AIDS in particular is a “gay disease” not affecting heterosexuals.
In my liaisons it never occurred to me that my partners might have any such diseases because I assumed (possibly correctly, knowing the people concerned) that they would have told me first.
Having caught a disease, whether through carelessness or naivety, you might not know you have it before you have had the opportunity to make a present of it to someone else. Then again, some people just don’t care.
Some older people also entertain the plausible philosophy that they are not as vulnerable to diseases as young people for the simple reason that old age will do for them before the disease catches up with them.
In short, old or young, we are merely human and human beings are, unless called Ratzinger, all too fallible.
Ok, I could talk all night on this subject but will try to condense it down to a readable size.
Firstly, a very good blog highlighting the many reasons why people now have greater sexual freedom than ever before.
It does not surprise me in the least that STI have increased in the over 45’s. It has been well documented already that with more mobility amongst this age group with sexual unions, caution is flying out of the window.
You hit the nail on the head when you say about the lack of pregnancy being a decisive factor. Many individuals simply don’t think a STI could remotely happen to them. There is a naivity on their part.
Cases of the most serious diseases, including syphilis and gonorohoea have absolutely just spirallled high in the last decade.
Much emphasis is placed on the young, educating the need for clamyidia screening as this is so often symptomless and can cause infertility if left un-checked. The push to develop DIY testing kits for this infection can not come soon enough. Though there is a risk of false screening. For men it can now be achieved by a simple urine test. The lady is not so lucky yet and still need to have a HVS (high vaginal swab) to detect the bacteria.
There is also a movement where hopefully in the future going to the local GUM clinic will be like a yearly trip to the dentist: no stigma attached. Most people still die inside if they have to go through the door of perceived shame. Education and changing attitues, both in young and older people are key areas if we are to get infection rates down, with changing attitudes to getting checked and treated.
I have much sympathy with all the cases which you cite where people are looking for a better sexual union, something that each individual should have; rather than feeling a barren, shriveled up prune of deadness in the sexual stakes if celebacy is an enforced state upon oneself. I am not advocating people should get divorced though just because they can not have sex for whatever reason.
As to the vicars wife, my heart goes out to her. I hope she is happy but I suspect she might hate what she is having to do deep down. I could never go there. However, good luck to her anyway. I admire her bravery and freedom.
This area is absolutely fascinating. I know so many people now who have either left unsatisfactory relationships or have a “bit on the side”. I think they only tell me because they know I am hardly likely to judge. But sometimes it seriously surprises me the risks people will take.
I must say it has never crossed my mind that I would catch an infection from a sexual encounter. I suspect my assessment is fairly realistic given the nature of the relationships I tend to have and the fact that I don’t sleep with people until I have known them for some time. But there is a spirit of rather misguided invincibility about the over 45s when it comes to sex - and I am not sure it is going to be curbed very easily.
I am not a great believer in sexual monogamy - well not for a lifetime anyway - but yes, I guess we do need to be a little more sensible about our sexual behaviour. But condoms???? Urgh!
Outstanding post and comments. Thanks.
Great post and comments. I’ve found that newly divorced men and women in their 40’s that may have only had a few sexual partners in their lifetime are sometimes like “kids in a candy store” with the freedom to go out and experience what they’ve been missing with multiple partners. I’m the opposite. Those years are over for me, I prefer a monogamous relationship or none at all.
It is ridiculous to have multiple partners without protection. But even if you are sexually active with only one person, you are really having sex with that person and every other person they had sex with and every person all of those people had sex with…..its very naive to think that anyone is safe from an STD.
I had a first date with a guy who insisted I show him a dr.’s report stating I was “clean”. He was being cautious but it turned me off, I didn’t think that was appropriate for a first date, but maybe it was???
(BTW, I do have a clean bill of health and intend to keep it that way).
Walking Away
A doctor’s report on the first date seems a bit extreme to me. And so romantic!
Great post! Thank you for speaking aloud about this topic.
Given that I’ve been a “good” girl in that department, I often have questions about these issues and have nobody to ask.
So, I’ll ask you, is there such a thing as safe sex when it comes to STD’s?
What can you do? A condom isn’t enough, is it?
They can promise they’re healthy, but aroused people can easily lie their way to quick sex.
I may sound as a fundy Christian, but I think the only way to avoid STD’s is abstinence. What a shame!
In response to athinkingman requests to answer Lorena’s Questions.
Dear Lorena,
I am not by any means an expert on this subject but this is one area of great interest to me, so have read around this topic widely and feel able to answer in the following way.
Technically, there is no such thing as complete 100% quarantied safe sex. But with all aspects of living, as you will know, there comes some degree of risk.
The main point to say here in trying to keep as safe as possible is:
1) Keep the number of relationships-sexual to a minimum in your life time.
2) If possible know your partner well and their history before hitting the sheets, preferably when you are not drunk either of you, and he is sober enough to comply with bearing a condom. So many STD and unwanted pregnancy, including sexual assault take place on drunken one night stands. Remember “walkingaway” is right. You don’t have sex with that one person but with all the others that individual has had contact with. People forget that.
3) Condoms do not totally protect against all STI’s fully but they are in the main stay, the main bread and butter of STI prevention. The herpes virus can get through the protection in some cases. Condoms do remain the most effective way of preventing infection. Use them!
4) Be sex aware and health aware. If you are sexually active as a woman, know your body, watch for any changes that do not appear right. Get cervical screening done every three years up to age 50. Then at five yearly intervals after that. Some warts virus are linked with certainty to a large percentage of cervical cancer. A vaccine is due out soon nation wide for 13 -16 non-sexually active girls, before they have have sex. It can’t come soon enough. 80% of sexually active women will contract warts in their life-time and not be aware. Most virusus will burn themselves out and are harmless: some are not.
5) Don’t just think “normal sex ” is the only risk factor. Possibly as many as one third of herpes cases are caused by oral sexual transmission. If your partner has an active mouth, cold sore then avoid sex until well healed.
So there is lots you can do to minimise the risks but have great sex. It is all about balance. Women have babies all the time, knowing there is risk of maternal injury, illness or death even in our westen world of modern medicine.
Take it from me, don’t save your self forever, other wise it just could lead to that. Have fun but play safe.
It concerns me more that you feel you have no-one to talk too more on this subject. athinkingman can gladly give you my e-mail if you want to communicate futher, as there is always more to say.
Hope that helps. Take care!
Thanks, thoughtful woman.
Very detailed response, wow!
Actually, I am a happily married woman who’s only had one partner ever. I was asking because I was just curious. I always want to know everything (which makes me a bit annoying).
When I first left the Christian faith, about 3 years ago, the thought of infidelity crossed my mind. But the fear of STD’s kept on track. Good thing!
However, I occasionally talk to younger people about these issues and knowing what to say is always helpful, given that well, I don’t have any STD’s and I married a virgin–imagine that!
Thanks again!
Hi Lorena,
Thanks for the comment. Glad that you are happily married and was just curious. At first, I did think you were not in a relationship, single, christian and thinking about one. I can see some of what I have said is not entirely relevant for you. However, if my comments mean that you are in more of a position to help advice others on the same questions raised then that is great.
I have Bell’s Palsy and enjoy your blog very much. First time I’ve commented, but have been reading here and there.
Great blog. I enjoy reading it every chance I get and value your opinions!