Several years ago when I first started working with clients via telephone I did briefly explore the use of equipment to record telephone calls. There were two reasons for this: 1) the ability to listen to, and analyse calls afterwards would be likely to enhance the quality of future sessions; 2) in the event of a malpractice accusation, the calls might offer some counter-evidence.
I soon completely rejected the idea. In the UK it is illegal to record phone conversations without the knowledge of the other person (unless countenanced in a legal police investigation), and the confidential nature of my work meant that clients would be unlikely phone if they knew that their conversations were being recorded.
Although I abandoned that idea, it struck me at the time how easy it would be to do it. There were all manner of devices available for sale. Some were ‘overt’ - obvious tape recorders that easily fitted into telephone sockets and were activated when the line was used. Others were ‘covert’ - hidden devices that transmitted the conversation to recorders hidden in briefcases in other rooms. Several mobile phones now have the facility to record any conversation. (If you actually read the manual that came with your phone, you may be surprised.)
A good proportion of my work with couples involves dealing with the uncertainty and pain of betrayal, usually sexual betrayal. I make no moral judgements about this. I know that life and human beings (especially me) are complex. Although some will tell me otherwise, I think there is never black and white, and always two sides and shades of grey. However, in all this uncertainty and pain, there are often two constants: a tendency to deny for as long as possible, and a quest to know.
Sometimes, quite small things start the suspicion: the change of voice tone when talking to a particular person; a change of grooming or of underwear; unusual movements, visits, and apparent meetings; a striking possessiveness about a mobile phone or computer. Of course, many of these things turn out to have a natural, innocent explanation and any doubts may be easily quelled. However, if the troubling signs persisted, would you resort to spying to find out more information?
Some couples claim that they have an open relationship, would confront their partner, and talk things out. My experience is that that belief may be naive and that human beings are very creative. When involved in infidelity people are skilled at keeping things hidden and sometimes have to be pushed to reveal only minimal amounts.
Of course, if you have the resources to spend thousands of pounds a day, you could hire a private detective. For those of us with less cash, a range of simpler and cheaper resources are now available, should we choose to use them. The list below is meant to be illustrative only:
- simple programmes to reveal computer passwords and or covertly record screen activity;
- simple devices to covertly record and store (or transmit) all keyboard activity;
- devices to covertly record landline conversations;
- bugs and or cameras hidden in pens, plugs, lamps, phones, smoke alarms, brief cases to covertly record sounds and/or activities in a room.
Some people might instinctively think that it is a “techie” thing and that the only people likely to resort to such devices are young males who spend too much time alone with gadgets. I would challenge that. My only personal knowledge of such equipment being used involved a retired lady getting confirmation of her husband’s affair.
The question remains: Would you resort to covert surveillance?
When considering that question I realise that many people will have strong views. Also, many will have absolutist views - always right to do it, or always wrong to do it under every circumstance. At the risk of annoying people and of being misunderstood (I am confident that both will happen), I found myself coming to a tentative (rather than a strong) conclusion, and one which was not absolutist, but relative. I concluded that in extreme circumstances, I would resort to covert surveillance as a last resort.
The extreme circumstances would involve two factors: 1) having really strong and well founded suspicions that had existed over a significant period of time (say six months); 2) having tried and exhausted all other methods of trying to get to the bottom of the suspicions (i.e. talking to partner). I would need to do several reality checks with myself that I really did have grounds for suspicion and was not being whimsically or seriously paranoid and that the evidence and the situation did justify the extreme measure as a last resort.
I would also want to point out that the purpose of the exercise would be to gain information for my own use within the relationship and NOT for use within a court. Judges tend to dislike such evidence and it’s collection risks you being open to being sued by a disgruntled partner. The fact that you have the knowledge does not mean that you have to use it in court, or even that your partner needs to know that you have it. It could, for example, just give you confidence to strongly go on confronting any denial.
As I thought about it, I found myself considering the following areas:
The Moral Argument - Some would say that to do so would be morally wrong because it would involve a betrayal of trust. Against this it could be argued that if the betrayal is happening, the partner has lost the high moral ground and that someone needs to bring some honesty and reality into the situation if trust is ever to be restored.
The Pragmatic Argument - It could be argued that the information revealed could help either to quell fears or be a means of confronting the truth (possibly nipping something in the bud and of changing and saving the relationship). Even if the relationship is to end, the knowledge gained could prevent years of deception and increased pain.
The Loving Argument - It could be argued that you owe it to yourself to protect yourself from unnecessary harm, and that if you really do have strong suspicions and have no other way of finding things out, to use covert surveillance as a last resort is a way both of loving yourself and of saying to your partner: ”I care about you to much to allow you to go on living in cloud cuckoo land thinking that your actions can be hidden and have no consequences. I want to get real and you need to as well.”
The Accountability Argument - It could be argued that when in relationship you are mutually accountable to each other. In using surveillance as a last resort in extreme circumstances you are checking the quality of your partner’s accountability, and if asked to give an account of why you did so, you have can give good reasons.
It’s a messy area, isn’t it. My thoughts are tentative and not absolute. What do you think?
Yeah, very tricky. My own feelings are quite conflicted on this.
I think if there is enough doubt for someone to feel the need to spy on their partner, that maybe the relationship is on the way out anyway.
If someone spied on me and confronted me when I was innocent, I don’t know if I could forgive them.
Currently I think spying on a partner is wrong, but I’d probably do it myself if I was that concerned. What can I say? I know I’m flawed.
It’s certainly an interesting one.
I mean it’s human nature up to a certain point, we’re inquisutive creatures and although I know that my wife and I are very much in love I’m always interested when she mentions men’s names until I find out that it’s a doctor she works with or someone’s partner or some such. It’s not that I don’t trust her implicitly, it’s just nice to know. Maybe it’s linked to my low confidence levels.
I know she’s been unsure of some of my female friends in the past, it’s nothing serious it’s just feelings of uncertainty and inadequacy. All unfounded
She’s the best thing in my life.
Neither of us would be in a position where we’d start reading each others emails and texts. I certainly wouldn’t have any issue with her reading any of my emails or texts (apart from the month or so leading up till Xmas where I have receipts and order information from online places).
God knows I’m not the best communicator (at least not when it comes to face to face) but you’ve got to stop and evaluate what’s going on when you’re having to betray the trust of the person you share your life with.
At the same time I can’t make that call. If I thought something was going on I’d probably be the worst person in terms of reading emails, texts and things.
Maybe I’d just ask what was going on. I think until you’re in that position of suspecting unfaithfulness it’s a tough call.
Argh!
I can see how a person might think of resorting to surveillance of a partner on conceiving suspicions of infidelity. There comes a moment when the stress of uncertainty overcomes the fear of learning a truth one would rather not learn.
However, the fact that one desires to take a certain action does not by itself legitimize that action: the fact that I feel like punching you doesn’t justify me in doing so. “The Moral Argument” can be easily refuted: a bad action on one person’s part does not legitimize a bad action on another person’s part, or, to quote a proverb, “Two wrongs do not make a right”.
Surveillance, covert or open, counts as an invasion of privacy and there are laws against invasion of privacy whereas, as far as I know, there are no laws against sexual infidelity. It might be legitimate to engage in covert surveillance (provided this is done by people with the requisite authority) where there is reason to believe that this will prevent a crime or convict a dangerous criminal in the absence of other evidence of criminality, but in the case of infidelity, I would consider it to be disproportionate. An ordinary citizen has no authority to conduct surveillance on another and, after all, other less deceitful approaches are available. If the suspicious person is too timid to ask the partner honestly outright, that is a weakness on the suspicious person’s part, not the fault of the suspected partner.
A procedure is covert only until it is found out. You may get away with spying on your partner but the longer this goes on, the more likely it becomes that you will be found out. Suppose you are perfectly innocent and you discover your partner has been spying on you. Consider what a blow that would deliver to your belief in mutual trust.
Human relationships are extremely complex. We probably don’t realize how complex most of the time. It may be tempting sometimes to take a short cut to certainty but I think this almost always does more harm than good. I understand the agony of uncertainty but I think that if you resort to deceitful means, you have already betrayed the relationship yourself and therefore might as well call it a day. After all, even if your spying comes up empty this, that will not allay your suspicions, so you will have started along a road that can end only when your partner is discovered to be unfaithful.
I cannot speak from experience here as I have never suspected anyone with whom I have had a relationship of betraying me. I have though, been on the other side of the fence and betrayed someone myself.
I am firmly of the belief that two wrongs do not make a right. If I spy on a partner then I am putting myself in the wrong and betraying their trust. If my partner did not deceive me in the first place I run the risk of unnecessarily destroying my relationship should I be found out. I would never stay with someone I found to have spied on me, regardless of whether I had been up to anything or not. The thought is abhorrent: to me, it is actually more abhorrent than sexual betrayal. Even if a partner were betraying me then I do not think it is helpful to add another betrayal, or problem, to a relationship which is clearly already in trouble.
I have strange ideas about relationships (probably why I never stick any out for long!) and do not believe that people in a relationship of any nature have rights over the other person. You may expect a person not to betray you but in my opinion, you have no right to know what they are doing, thinking or saying at any particular time if they do not choose to let you know. If you spy on them you are assuming that you have that right. In a relationship I expect to be able to leave personal documents (personal letters, my diary or phone) around and know that my partner would never look at them unless I specifically asked him or her to do so. I have the same expectation of my children and extend the same courtesy to them.
So no - I would NEVER do it.
Although I do have an interest in spying gadgetry and would love to spy on someone in a situation where I had no personal vested interest in what I found out. So if you ever reach that position of last resort, let me know, because I will be very happy to play with a few spying toys on your behalf. Not sure you could trust me to present you with the facts though if I thought they were not what you needed to hear! I am a firm believer of the old adage “what you don’t know can’t hurt you! “
Pandora Caitiff
I agree that if the relationship ever gets to the point where one person feels the need so to spy that something is seriously wrong. However, I suppose I also feel that ’seriously wrong’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘terminal’. And I suspect that if the relationship had be quality with a good history, any spying is more likely to be forgiven than not (once the initial outrage has passed). I don’t know. It is messy.
Matt Charlton
I agree. It is difficult to know in the abstract, isn’t it. Whatever we might say we might do, in reality, once the emotion takes over, we might do something completely different. I’ve certainly known some sane people do some very bizarre and out of character things once they have strongly suspected they have been the victim of an intimacy betrayal.
Silver Tiger
I wonder if there is any mileage in the ‘lesser of two evils’ argument? Punching me may be wrong (and illegal) but on rare occasions and in extreme circumstances punching me may as a last resort be a good course of action as a means of protecting yourself?
Reluctant Blogger
I understand your strong feelings on this and thanks again for your honesty. Personally, I’m more of a relativist. I’m coming from a very different place - for three reasons, I think.
First, while I agree with your beliefs about independence of the individual, I’m not sure I go along with that 100% in a couple. In my book, a person in relationship does have big obligations to their partner, and I see reasonable mutual accountability as a healthy thing.
Secondly, my experience is that where there has been a good relationship with a strong history, although people say they could never forgive XYZ, in practice they do because they often want to save the relationship and are able to put XYZ into a different perspective. Affairs and spying are not the ‘unforgivable sins’ for some people.
Thirdly, ‘victims’ (for want of a better word) of a betrayal often regret not doing anything about their suspicions earlier. They often wish they could have done something to ‘nip it in the bud’, or feel they have a right to protect themselves from as much unnecessary contempt as possible. They feel that the betrayal makes ‘a laughing stock’ of them, and sometimes want to do anything to bring an end to that - and if spying does anything to help stop something of the contempt, then so be it. “It may be going on behind my back, and that is bad, but at least I know about it now! And I do have a right to know.”
At the end of the day each individual has to live with what they feel comfortable with, and our different lives are likely to lead us to different conclusions. I’m comfortable with that
Frankly, if I thought my partner were cheating, I wouldn’t much care about intellectual arguments. I would just do what feels right in seeking to protect my feelings, my marriage, and my sanity.
And in protecting and taking care of myself, I would use any legal method that seems covert enough to tell me the truth with minimal harm to all involved. But I would, if at all possible, stop myself from losing my dignity by going around as a chicken with the head cut off using every device ever invented. That is to say that I would try to be methodical and contriving about it, perhaps trying one thing at a time.
Would I use the stuff in court? Under legal advice, I definitely would, particularly, if large sums of money and real state were at stake.