Children have just one job in life. Between birth and the age of 21 they have to concentrate mainly on just one thing - stroke collecting.
In this context a stroke is anything that is positive and life-affirming. It could be a smile, the fact that someone remembers their name, a trip to the seaside, a special visit with a parent. It could be a gift, an ice-cream, or even the fact that someone takes the trouble to listen to them seriously (rather than laugh) while they shudder with fear, or describe in great detail exactly what they ate at their friend’s party. A stroke is anything which says: “You are important. You are worth something to me. You are significant.” And a child’s job is to grow up collecting as many strokes as possible and to store them in a stroke bank somewhere deep inside, close to her or his heart.
Some children find it easier to collect strokes than others. Some grow up in stroke-rich environments, surrounded by well-adjusted, giving adults. They are immersed in strokes so that whenever they need one, and before they need one, and even if they don’t need one, they cannot help but receive positive acts of recognition. Whether happy or sad, tired or bubbling, they look up or reach out and know they will not be rejected and do not risk being destroyed. These children know that, despite the inevitable problems of life, they are almost certainly not to blame, and that others seem to think that they will be able to deal with whatever lies ahead. Others like them, believe in them, know that they have substance and significance.
And so they reach adulthood with inner strength, and a strong heart dense in strokes. Some fool may come along and criticize their ability, or even attack their inner core - “The work you did today was rubbish. You always mess up. You are a complete failure.” And if this happens, sure, they hurt for a while, they are knocked slightly, but they soon bounce back. They say to themselves: “OK, I messed up slightly today, but it wasn’t complete rubbish. I don’t always mess up, and I am not a failure. Lots of others love what I do and who I am. My stroke-bank is full. I have the ballast to withstand your attack. I register it, but it doesn’t destroy me.”
Other children reach adulthood with few strokes. Perhaps they grow up in stroke-rich environments, but suddenly something huge happens to them, so that some of the strokes they have seem to be taken away (major illness, bereavement, separation, abuse, for example). These big things knock them and cause them to question their worth.
Others grow up in stroke-bare environments, surrounded by adults who have few strokes themselves, and who have spent a desperate lifetime trying to chase clouds and gain more strokes at the expense of others. These are the environments where the “put-downs” and the attacks are common. If I can tell you that my worth is more than yours, and withhold a stroke from you, perhaps I stand a chance of temporarily gaining another one for myself. And because my stroke bank (and heart) often feels so hollow, I fear that any criticism or attack will destroy me, therefore I must attack first to make sure you never win so that I will not be assigned to further insignificance.
These can be barren and confusing landscapes for children. They ache for emotional warmth, and learn not to want it too much. And as the strokes don’t come, or as the ones that do are suddenly taken away by an inconsistent and capricious outburst, the pain around the heart grows. They start to play a new message that begins to bounce around their heads so strongly: “I wonder how important I really am. Perhaps I am unimportant. Nobody seems to care much about me. I am insignificant.”
These latter children often feel they are to blame for many of the inevitable problems of life, and that they certainly will not be able to deal with whatever lies ahead. They doubt they have substance and significance. And so they reach adulthood without inner strength, and with a heart aching for affirmation and positive recognition. Some fool may come along and criticize their ability, or even attack their inner core - “The work you did today was rubbish. You always mess up. You are a complete failure.” And if this happens, they tend to respond in one of two ways. Some, predominantly (but not necessarily) women will look down and say: “I know!” Some, predominantly (but not necessarily) men will pin you with their eyes and say: “If you say that again, I will kill you!”
If the above model (borrowed from Transactional Analysis) is true, there are so many implications following on from this, but let me just spell out two very briefly.
- Give as many strokes as you can to as many people as you can, especially to children, even the “challenging” ones. Be life-affirming and you will help build people up in deep and rich ways.
- If you grew up without many strokes, try not to spend too much more energy bemoaning that fact, or the fact that other potential stroke givers (your parents, your partner, your employer, your children) have let you down and are not giving you enough of the strokes you want. The only person you can control, and therefore rely on for any consistency, is yourself. Learn to become your own stroke giver. Start to re-parent yourself by being a stroke-affirming adult to yourself. You are allowed to like yourself (you aren’t all bad), to begin to believe in yourself (you aren’t always wrong), to praise yourself (you aren’t always failing), to give yourself treats (you don’t always have to put others first). Learn to stroke yourself and talk good to your heart.
(An early version of this was first posted 10/08/07.)
A very interesting post…I have never heard of Strokes like that!
My youngest son is on medication for a problem that developed when he was 15, all his strokes were wiped out…and we had to start again!
Great read!!
yes a really good read.. my matthew lost most of his strokes when his dad died… hopefull iam building them up again but it does take time and is a struggle at times too when you feel your just not getting anywhere. Hes lost his place in life but i am sure with time he will find it again.
I have also had lots of good strokes since i met geoff and am now learning to stroke myself and love myself too
oohh dear that sounds rude ………
Anne
Thanks for dropping by. It must have been so hard for your son. I am sure you are doing a good job at trying to fill up the gap. It’s great that he has a family able to surround him with strokes and to provide that reassurance - even though he will not admit it to you for a lot of the time.
Sally
Thanks Sally. The loss of a parent can be huge, leaving a massive hole. It must be so hard for you too, especially when you are feeling that you are getting nowhere. What little I know about you says that you are doing a wonderful job, even though he may show little signs of appreciating it now. Keep up the great work!
Err, yes, and I am glad to hear about your success in stroking yourself. Thanks for sharing that!
I could say when I lost mine. But I don’t like being pitied. Let’s just say that people who know me well, like ATM for instance, understand that I have a remarkable lack of them. Lots of hard work for a person like me.
Lorena
I understand where you are coming from and acknowledge that the ‘work’ can be hard. We just want to be ‘ok’ without having to fill up the gaps that others failed to fill for us. I suppose it is a life-long work, that we can get better at, and it is a work that can be so rewarding in the end.
Good post. I like the way you ended, as usual, with positive advice for those who have lost, or never had, strokes.
Outstanding post. I listened to the podcast which you know about. I would like you to follow this up with how we can work more on creating a better self-image.
Lots of talk about the causes but for time sake, understandably, a shorter conversation on what we can do to help us over come such a crippling thing as low-self esteem, something of which you know I have struggled with all my life.
Interestingly, does too many strokes make you into an arrogant, bombastic person? What influences are there for those who like to intimitate, bully and feel they are a cut above the rest? Full of confidence and feeling they are untouchable.
I would like to know what influences that kind of person too.
onethoughtfulwoman
Arrogance and bullying are often not a sign of having too many strokes, but of insecurity and low self-esteem. They are attempts to get strokes by putting others down - attempts to seem superior. Full stroke banks don’t lead to arrogance, but assertiveness, and a confidence that allows you to be strong enough to be honest and vulnerable. You can’t have too many strokes. It is not a full stroke bank that leads to bullying, but insecurity - and that in turn shows itself in dishonesty, lies, pretence, and a determination to control and win at all costs (including at the expense of others). Only really confident people can admit to making mistakes and be vulnerable before others. Insecure people have to bluff it out and pretend in order to hide their weaknesses.