I’m not quite sure what ‘normal’ is, but I’m pretty sure that I’m not it. When the roulette wheel of life flung out its genes, mine fell somewhere near the far edge of the distribution curve, not in the middle. I am learning to live with that. At times it has been unpleasant: at other times there have been advantages. But it is something that has had a lifelong impact in many ways, and something that I have learned to accept. But it is unchangeable. And for anyone to pretend that it is changeable and wrong is insulting, unrealistic, and unhelpful.
Ok. My lack of ‘normality’ is relatively mild in the sense that it is vaguely socially acceptable. In fact, I can imagine those that know me, wondering what on earth I am going on about and thinking that I am making a fuss about nothing. To such people I would politely say 1) you haven’t walked in my shoes, so don’t pretend you know my reality, and 2) I’m not making a fuss, simply raising it as a parallel to a really appalling situation that I will get to in a minute. Bear with me.
Being 6′6″ tall doesn’t have too many stigmas attached to it. All through my life people have commented on my height and labelled me the ‘gentle giant’ - a phrase which I loathe and detest in a way that is virtually impossible for me to describe. I am used to being called ‘lankey’ and asked about what the sun is like up there. I am used to seeing people in the street call out, or point, or to seeing young children hide behind their parents. I am used to not being able to buy the shirts, jumpers, jackets, coats or trousers that I want because shops usually only stock ‘average’ and average is not long enough for me.
The cumulative effect of the above is to leave me incredibly self-conscious at times, especially when meeting new people, but it is something that I cannot change and am learning to cope with.
And that is the point. It cannot be changed. It was part of the pack of cards I was dealt with at birth. To have people tell me that they could cure my height problems would be painful and insulting to me and would encourage society to believe that I was so abnormal that I needed to be dealt with - as well as encouraging me to doubt the integrity of who I was.
I felt depressed when I heard that Anglican Mainstream is to hold a two-day anti-gay “Sex and the City” conference in London this coming weekend (April 24 and 25). One of the purported aims is to promote a “cure” for homosexuality and is to be addressed by three “therapists” from America, including Dr. Joseph Nicolosi. For the past 30 years, mainstream medicine and science have accepted that homosexuality is in no sense an illness, and as such, by definition, cannot be cured.
My height, like my heterosexuality, are not illnesses. To want to cure them would be absurd. They are issues that I have had no control over. They are part of what makes me me. To want to cure them would not only be pointlessly futile, but also insulting to the core.
Celebrating my heterosexuality is relatively easy because that part of me falls in the middle of the distribution curve. Celebrating my height is harder because it falls towards the edges, but it is something that I should work on doing. As a society we should be glad when homosexuals want to celebrate that part of their identity, not encourage and enshrine notions that difference is weird or sick.
Yes, I find it offensive when people want to cure me. Well, actually it is not generally that - they look for a reason why I am gay, try to work out what happened to make me that way. Well, some people do. And I find that very irksome. My mother is the main perpetrator but others do it too - and in my case it is easy to pin it on things to which it is completely unrelated.
I do, however, think that your height is very different as a “problem” to my sexuality as one is immediately evident and the other is not. I think in some ways that actually makes your “problem” more difficult to handle than mine - as I have a choice as to when or even “if” people learn what makes me “different” where in general (other than online) you do not.
I was never keen on being tall either. These days I don’t feel very tall though - but I did as a child and it made me feel exposed.
I don’t actually want anyone to be pleased that I am gay, I just want them not to bothered either way.
Reluctant Blogger
I am very pleased that you are a warm, vulnerable, encouraging, authentic human being. Thanks for your comment.
Well, actually it is not generally that - they look for a reason why I am gay, try to work out what happened to make me that way.
Exactly! Why does it matter that a person is gay? Whether they were born that way or not is irrelevant. What’s important is that they WANT TO BE. Shouldn’t that be enough for people to leave them alone?
Of course, the argument that, like height, homosexuality isn’t a curable issue is a compelling argument towards letting people BE.
Reluctant Blogger
And I suppose that the looking for reasons doesn’t do much to reassure. The looking for reasons often infects with guilt and worry. As you say, can often never be know. Superficially people have told me I was tall because my parents were, but that never quite worked for me as I am considerably taller than both of them!
Lorena
Interesting point that I had overlooked about the element of choice. You are right, of course. I suppose some people might be gay by choice if they want to. I wish I could choose to be scaled down, but unfortunately can’t. And doctors did try to cure it when I was younger (and left me with a life-long needle phobia) but gave up when I was a teenager. We are in agreement about the substantive point. Whether by birth or by choice, we are intelligent, significant, creative human beings, and different is different, not wrong, or sick!
I suppose it is true that some people do have a choice about their sexuality. I don’t think that most do. I certainly do not feel that I do. I tried for years to convince myself that I could choose - that it was about the person, rather than their gender - but it never worked for me, I was never really happy, or perhaps more to the point, I was not myself.
If someone could wave a magic wand (rather than a nasty needle) at you now and make you 6 inches shorter without any pain or any other changes to you, would you go for it? Even now?
I would not change my sexuality, because it is part of who I am. But I suspect that 10 years ago I would have done so if someone could have waved a wand at me.
Reluctant Blogger
I think I overplayed the choice element in my response to Lorena (and have edited my comment accordingly). I didn’t mean to minimize the lack of choice in any way. I suspect that if there is an element of choice for some, it is only relevant to a small minority.
I suspect that if there is an element of choice for some, it is only relevant to a small minority.
And I was never saying that it was a choice. What I was saying is that the choice element doesn’t need to be proven in order to give people the freedom to practice their sexuality without criticism.
Nice analogy.
A good analogy. I can emphathise on how you feel. As a youngster I felt a complete freak, teeth that stuck out because I sucked my thumb and so so thin. I looked like a rake. When I was 18 I weighed 5 stone 9 and at 27 6 stone 2. I was always called names at school for being a rake and didn’t wear a swimming costume until my late 20’s. Yeap, not many strokes for me either.
Then I hit 40 and now I have to watch my weight sitting at 8 stone 7. Enough of my tale but just to say I know how feeling different, from an image point of view, feels. And sometimes it can hurt: a lot.
I like tallness though, if that is a shred of comfort. Tallness can appear as strength.
The clothes must be a real bummer, I have it with shoes, seeing all those lovely ones because of my petit size out of range.
However, you are you and celebrate who you are, that is all you can do.
The homosexuality issue you have raised is so important. How can it be seen as some sort of illness. Ok, some people may choose to experiment but I have seen the real angst this stigma has caused people.
I know about labels and stigma, I have had my fair share and you just have to toss them to one side.
Celebrate who ever you are, tall, small, fat, thin, Bi, homo.
What the hell. Let others get over themselves and their prejudices.
Just be yourself.
Great post.
onethoughtfulwoman
So we have both experienced how painful (at times) it can be by being different. It must be so hard for those who see ‘experts’ telling them that they are sick and deviant and must be cured and brought back to the norm. I cannot begin to imagine the internal pain that conferences such as the one I mention must bring to those who have different sexuality. We must go on speaking out against attempts to promote such views in our culture.