What has to happen for you to feel really loved?
Think back for a moment as to how love was expressed in the family that you grew up in. If your parents wanted to show love to you or to family members, or to each other, what did they do?
In my family, love didn’t particularly involve a lot of touchy-feely stuff, but it did usually involve vast amounts of food, and on special occasions, special presents. In my family, if you loved someone, you fed them (nearly to death - a biscuit and a cup of tea was never enough), and on those special occasions, you went out of your way to find a special present.
It was hard after my mother died when I was a teenager. As I stood beside my father at my mother’s grave, I wanted to hug him but couldn’t (and he would have been embarrassed by that). We both knew that at the time, love for us wasn’t about touchy-feely. But I certainly couldn’t cook for him (he had been an industrial caterer). In my own awkward way, I did try to think hard about presents.
In my partner’s family, things were very different. If you loved someone you starved them because food would make you fat and that was unhealthy - better to keep them hungry because you would live longer. And presents were ok in theory, but difficult in practice because it was much better to spend the limited money paying for the shoes and raincoats for the growing number of children. No, in her family, you loved people in different ways. There was loads of touchy-feely, and time given in abundance. People would stop what they were doing and look at you in the face and listen and ask questions and help you to feel the most important person in the universe.
Initially my relationship with my partner was a culture shock. I missed the food and presents: she missed the touchy-feely and the sense that she was more important than the millions of other things (and the TV news) demanding my attention. It was almost as if we spoke two different languages of love. It was as if I was speaking love in ‘French’ and she could only understand it in ‘Italian’; and she was speaking ‘Italian’, and I was longing for ‘French’.
The good news is that you can learn to speak a different love language (even if you are English). When my partner pointed out to me that she needed to ‘hear’ certain things, I learned to do touchy-feely. It was deliberate and awkward at first, but it felt safe learning with a good, patient, and encouraging tutor. And with all language learning, you eventually have to leave the safety of the classroom and buy a sandwich and a coffee in the real world. You have to move outside and listen to your own floundering words bounce around and watch the amused expressions from the natural speakers trying to understand you.
Greeting my wonderful mother-in-law with a hug and a kiss for the first time was strange, but ok, but doing the same to two sisters-in-law was slightly twitchy, and hugging my father-in-law and brother-in-law was initially very traumatic. It seems so strange looking back because now I would regard myself as a very fluent speaker of this new language of love. I can touch and feel with the rest of them. But it was something that I had to learn - just as my patient tutor had to help me learn that for her, at least, love was spelled T-I-M-E.
I think a lot of couples don’t yet understand that they may be speaking different languages of love to each other. Like the Anglo-Saxons and the Scandinavians who lived side by side in Yorkshire in the UK in the tenth century, there was sufficient linguistic overlap for them to be able to make themselves vaguely understood, but there wasn’t the linguistic clarity that would make such a difference.
I suppose that if you begin to realise that you are speaking different languages of love you can either make the effort to learn the new language, or you can go on proclaiming love in the language that your partner doesn’t really understand. If you choose the latter, you may delude yourself into thinking that you are a good lover - but you are not.
I once knew a lady who had a loving friendship with a shopkeeper. In her family, one way of showing love was to make cakes for people, and so she started to show love to this man in the way she had learned. Every week she would bake him a cake and take it to his shop on a Friday. The trouble was that he hated cake. Eventually he said to her: “I appreciate your kindness. But I do not like cake. Please stop baking them.” So what did she do? She kept baking them, and kept bringing them. She was saying: “I am going to show you love in my language whether you like it or not.” In the end he just gave them away or put them in the bin because these baked cakes meant nothing to him.
Find out the language of love your partner speaks, and then ask him or her to be your tutor as you embark on a new learning project.
(A version of this was first posted in August 2007.)
I think I am rather like your partner’s side of the family, although I was not brought up that way. But certainly with my boys it’s all about time together - we do not do presents in a big way and certainly not food (anything I cook is a punishment not an act of love!)
I always assumed the touchy feely divide was largely gender and class based. My homelife was not touchy feely either and neither was that of any of the male partners I had (but they were all middle/upper class academic types). But I have always been an affectionate type and have had no trouble moving between different types of relationships. But then again I’ve never really made a success of a relationship either so perhaps the chameleon thing only works up to a point.
I don’t know. I think I can only be myself (a product of my upbringing and my genes/gender too) and I don’t think I could adapt greatly to a differing way of showing love and still be myself and be happy. I am not much of a compromiser when it comes to relationships as you have probably already guessed.
Interesting though. I perhaps need to think about it all a little more.
Reluctant Blogger
Mmm … you’ve set me thinking. Part of me wants to gently challenge your resignation at the end - “I think I can only be myself (a product of my upbringing and my genes/gender too) and I don’t think I could adapt greatly to a differing way of showing love and still be myself and be happy.”
If we stick with the language analogy, you feel comfortable with one or two main languages that you grew up with, but if you wanted to communicate to someone in another language - if it were important enough - you would learn the language. Ok, it wouldn’t feel the same as your native language initially, and there would be effort and mistakes, but you could do it and it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad or self-denying thing.
Because of differences in personality and family background, I think the chances of two people speaking exactly the same language of love are very small. If one person says: “I can only speak the language I grew up with and will not learn yours” the chances of that person communicating love in a way which someone else really hears is small. Statistically the person stands a better chance if they learn more than one language.
Very thought provoking post. I wanted to read again to digest it fully. Of course, I am acquainted with this subject already so I am not commenting here from a blank canvas of thought.
Luckily, Mr E and I both have come from a background where touchy-feely was not the norm. No, I am not saying that was good, just that we could understand each other.
I suppose we like to show our affection by what we do. A button would be pushed if I had polished some shoes, helped with gmail, cooked a meal and planned an outing.
My button would be pressed if there was praise for an action, a packed lunch made with care and the RAC fees in the post, so the car wouldn’t be a worry if I was at work and broke down.
I like gifts but becuase I grew up in relative poverty, they were never the norm. Food was always sparce too, so a meal is very nice but not essential.
I like touch more now, but this can be awkward for me with strangers.
I like to show people I care by doing practical things, finding info, helping with errands in times of need and listening to people’s concerns.
I don’t need presents but will gratefully receive and love them if I got them. If they were from a special person, I would treasure them, not for their value or function, this means little, but just because that person gave them/it to me. They would be carefully preserved and put away. Used with care.
Funny, how we are all different. I agree we should stop to consider each others needs and how they might be different. We should at least try to pick up the alien phrase book and give the new language a go. Shows commitment and honesty I feel.
Yes, I suppose you are right and it is certainly worth a try. But as someone who was brought up bilingually I have to say that it is really hard to feel totally at ease in a second language (even one you speak almost fluently) you lose the nuance and the things that make communication special, relaxing and I dunno, so you don’t notice you are doing it I suppose. It is true I have never tried to live in Germany so maybe I would feel totally at home in another language if I really tried but I’m just saying you give up something of yourself, just the fact that you are always making an effort and having to think makes it a little artificial. But perhaps after many years it does not. I simply don’t know. I’m not actually sure I want to find out funnily enough - but that’s just me. I am a funny sausage.
But I’m glad that it worked for you. I suspect that it is what “working” at a relationship is all about - and I am just not prepared to do it (not laziness, I just don’t want to).
I do think sometimes that you can find someone who does speak the same language when it comes to love but that poses its own problems - it all becomes over intense maybe, too close and destructive. But having had that I am not sure anything else will ever feel the same again sadly.
Sorry this comment is a bit muddled, isn’t it? It drifted from talking about German to love - but hopefully you understand what I am trying to say.
It is unfortunate that loving others the wrongly is most people’s way of giving love. I think, ideally, we should find people who love the way we do.
For instance, online, I’ve found two types of women: (1) When they hear I am in trouble, they just send a hug or say “I love you.” Or worse yet, they say “I am praying for you.” (2) Strong smart women that when I’m in trouble listen and echo back whatever I said that was worthy of praise. Also, they are able to open up and share of themselves, as opposed to just condescendingly saying “I love you.”
I find that women in group (1) don’t appeal to me. Getting a hug or an “I love you” from a near stranger doesn’t do a thing for me. It doesn’t offend me, but it doesn’t help me either.
I feel deeply loved by the women in group (2). I feel heard and understood. So, I figure, I’d better hang out with them. To me, just a “Wow, that’s tough” is better than an empty, overly warm statement.
It is easy, also, to understand why I feel deeply appreciated by male friends. Because, often, what they give is what I need. Once again, my tomboyish tendencies rear up their ugly head.
onethoughtfulwoman
I like the expression “pick up an alien phrase book and give the new language a go” and agree with the sentiment. If things are important, they are worth the effort of change.
Lorena
I think the willingness to really ‘hear’ someone in a deep way is a powerful gift in any relationship. I recently came across a woman who was violent to her partner, mainly because she was so frustrated at his inability to even try to get inside her world and listen to what she was really saying.
Taking the time to listen and accept (rather than presume and respond too quickly and immediately try to change) is a wonderful thing to give someone and to receive. It helps us feel ‘cherished’, and my theory is that what we all basically want from a good relationship is to feel cherished.
I came across your blog months ago and have found myself fascinated by almost every entry. A few years ago I read a book titled The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book goes into great detail about this very same topic. I read the entire book from front to back and yet here you go and sum the entire thing with just a few paragraphs. I just wanted to say thank you for your blog and all your thoughts put down for me to enjoy and keep me thinking about.
Angeline
Thanks for dropping by and for the encouragement. It’s good to know people are occasionally reading the blog