I was recently shown a full page advertisement in a magazine that almost had me choking on my coffee. It was for a £29.99 porcelain composition of two figures on either side of a children’s roundabout. One of the authorities quoted in the advertisement described the figures as the most moving statuettes created since the Renaissance. Both of the characters were dressed in white and had angels’ wings sprouting from their backs. Their faces? One was of Diana, Princess of Wales: the other, of Jade Goody. (There have, of course been calls from some quarters, for both of the sadly departed women to be recognised as saints by the Roman Catholic Church - religious piety presumably being an inconvenient and disposable prerequisite for canonization.)
It took me all of thirty seconds to realize that the advertisement was a joke, appearing in the scurrilous Viz Magazine as a compelling satire on British kitsch. But having got over the shock, I smiled about it for a long time.
Of course, sometimes reality is equally bizarre and I have often found myself reading things thinking, “You just couldn’t make it up!” What follows is true. I am indebted to the writer of Parish News in the latest issue of the New Humanist for bringing it to my attention.
If I am prepared to pay $3.95 a month, someone at Information Age Prayer will arrange for a computer to pray for economic stability. For $3.95 a month I can also have affirmation statements such as “I am happy and healthy” repeated three times in a row. For $4.95 I can have the computer pray each day for someone sick to get healed, and at a special bargain price of $9.95 per month the computer will pray for up to five people. For $1.99 a month the computer will pray for your children each day. The latter is particularly comforting!
Of course, there have been sites around for some time, inviting people to leave details so that other human beings will pray for them. There are sites offering to sell ridiculous religious paraphernalia that are meant to enhance spirituality. There is even one Bishop encouraging the faithful to use Twitter, text, and email as part of their spiritual life. However, this latest development seems to take the biscuit as well as the micky!
It is not about human beings using technology to link to other humans who will pray, but about human beings setting up computers to do the praying without the need for the heart or the mind to be involved in the act as it happens.
Presumably the people behind the site would argue that in setting up the requests the humans are involved, even if not at the point of delivery, and god can read the heart and intentions. (So why is there a need to pray at all?) The site creators wisely include specific caveats (presumably for legal reasons) warning sick people of the need to still see a doctor, and warning that setting up a regular subscription for a computer to pray is no guarantee that the prayer will be answered. God, it seems, as usual in these cases, always has the last word (or is the ultimate get-out clause).
This site then, is covered, in the way that anything to do with prayer is covered, be it human being or machine. If it doesn’t work, if god never heals the amputee, there are always escape clauses - god decided not to, you didn’t have enough faith, you didn’t pray enough, you weren’t good enough etc.
Of course, if there weren’t the get-out clauses, the site could have tremendous possibilities for ultimately proving whether or not prayer worked. Millions of holy, faithful believers could sign up and all pray for the same thing (and presumably ultimately program their own computers to do the same thing). They could spam god with prayers 24 X 7 for months and months. With millions and millions of prayers prayed so much about the same thing, you might expect something to happen if prayer really worked.
Of course, some would find the answers they were looking for, even when nothing happened. Evangelicals would point to the get-out clauses mentioned above, and liberals could legitimately play their trump card in relation to this site. The liberals could say: “Ah, but prayer isn’t about getting things from god. It is about drawing close in relationship and allowing that relationship with god to transform you. There is everything in this site that breaks the relationship link that is formed between the believer and the divine when praying. How can computers listen to what god might be saying to them?” (But surely the claimed creator of heaven and earth is capable of writing something to disc?)
Theologically the site is absurd. It seems a cynical attempt to fleece money off vulnerable people, who claim to have been freed from guilt. But these same people are driven by guilt to seek technological solutions to ease their life, because of failure to complete religious burdens.
If only prayer worked, then I could pray for it to be shut down! Until that day it would be more realistic to use other means.
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.” Source unknown.
“Mechanized prayers” are not new, of course. Tibetans have had prayer wheels for hundreds of years. These usually contain the mantra Om mane padme hum but other prayers can be used. While many prayer wheels are spun by hand, they can also be spun by wind, flowing water and heat. It is believed that a payer spun in this way is as effective as one recited orally.
More recently, the computer has been pressed into service. Spinning a prayer on a computer’s hard disc is thought to have the same effect as spinning it on a traditional wheel. Given that the greater the number of turns effected, the greater the benefit, prayers on a hard disc are considered very effective because of the high rotation speed of the disc.
Rather than pay a prayer service then, why not simply write your prayers to a file on your hard disc, safe in the knowledge that every time you switch on the computer, the prayers will be recited?
Perhaps, as you suggest, the file should be read from time to time to see whether it has been edited to add any messages from the deity in question.
SliverTiger
I had forgotten about Tibetan prayer wheels. Thanks for the reminder.
How did I miss out on this business opportunity? That could be me making a buck out of people’s
stupidityneed for a blessing.This is the modern day version of blessed oils sold by preachers on TV.
In the USA, there are various “Dial A Prayer” numbers. Some lead to people, some lead to automated programs. They’ve been around for as long as I can remember.
By the way, you inserted an extra letter in this sentence:
If it doesn’t work, if god never heals the amputee, there are always escape clauses - god decided not to, you didn’t have enough faith, you didn’t pray enough
It should read:
If it doesn’t work, if god never heals the amputee, there are always escape clauses - god decided not to, you didn’t have enough faith, you didn’t pay enough
There, I fixed it for you.
Lorena
I don’t think you have missed out. I am sure there are parts of the English and Spanish speaking world somewhere that haven’t yet been introduced to the wonders of this service, and with your computer skills …
the chaplain
And thanks for the correction. As you say, there is always a financial angle somewhere. I bet there might be a sexual twist too if we were able to look deeper (and had the stomach for it).
Of course, I should have realized, what sounds new and very weird to me, has been around in the US for years