A Thinking Man

Have you heard the story about the man and his monkey?

One day John was sitting in his office, minding his own business, when suddenly his boss opened the door and threw in a monkey. “Here,” said his boss. “Here’s a new monkey for you. You’ve got to keep this one.” And his boss closed the door and left.

John sat there stunned as the monkey proceeded to cause havoc in the room. It rushed around, opened draws, pulled boxes off shelves, threw paper around, and at one point, even tried to answer the phone. “Well,” thought John. “I don’t like this, but I had better do something. I can’t give it back to the boss. He said it is mine and that I have to keep it. I had better get it under control before it causes even more damage.”

And so John started to work at managing the monkey. In fact, he was really skilful. He surprised himself. Using a fruit, a piece of cord that he found, and both firm and gentle talking, the monkey started to respond. And by the end of the day the animal was collared and eating out of his hand. John was so pleased. He felt justly proud of what he had achieved (as well as being slightly startled by it). “I can cope with this he thought. Monkeys aren’t as bad as you think they are going to be.”

And so John left for home that night, feeling at least seven foot tall, leading his monkey quietly behind him.

As he walked down the corridor, Muriel from the next office opened her door and said, “Wow! What a good monkey tamer you are! I’ve been struggling with mine all day and just can’t crack it. You wouldn’t just take mine, would you?”

“Sure,” said John. After all, what’s could be the problem with another monkey. And Muriel had always been such a pleasant neighbour.

A few seconds later, Bill opened his door. “You’ve done a real good job there John. You’ve got a real gift. I wonder if you could take a couple of mine. The boss suddenly threw me five this morning. When I objected he said it was in my job description and that I was getting paid for five. I’ve only got one half under control and I really did have plans for this evening.”

“Sure,” said John. After all, a few more monkeys wouldn’t hurt. And Bill was captain of the local golf club that John was hoping to join.

John never reached home that night. His wife eventually found him at midnight sitting dazed on the tarmac in the car park. He had been chasing monkeys all evening. There was Muriel’s of course, and the two from Bill. Then there was Abigail’s monkey from the end of the corridor (John always found it impossible to say ‘No’ to a pretty woman in tears), and Richard’s from the floor below (he met Richard on the stairs , and Richard’s wife was so friendly with his). And then there was Paul’s, and Rachel’s, and Elizabeth’s, and Michael’s, and Jason’s, and Karl’s, and Sharon’s, and …

As she drove him to the hospital, his wife looked frustrated (though trying to be compassionate) and said: “John, you really should learn to just look after your own monkey and let other people look after theirs!”

One of the most useful thing I have learned is that I am responsible for what I do, what I think, and what I say, and I am NOT responsible for what others think, do, or say. The more I am able to realize this, it gives me great freedom. I only have to worry about my own monkeys and can leave others to look after theirs.

And, of course, by encouraging others to look after their own monkeys I am giving them the respect of treating them as adult human beings rather than as helpless children. If I constantly look after monkeys belonging to others, not only will I exhaust myself, but I will also deprive others of the opportunity of learning how to tame their own beasts.

If someone says to me, “You made me angry!” I think, “Was what I said true? Did I say it in a reasonable, non-confrontational way?” If the answer to both those was “Yes” then the person accusing me is trying to unreasonably give me the monkey of responsibility for their anger. I don’t have to accept it. I can choose to think (and possibly say): “I am sorry that you are angry, but I have done or said nothing wrong here. You are responding to what I said with anger, but your response is your responsibility, not mine. I am refusing to carry responsibility for it.”

If someone says, “You’ve got to do that (or mustn’t do that) because so and so will think XYZ if you don’t (or do),” then that person is trying to get me to carry an in appropriate monkey. If I decide that doing or not doing is reasonable and right then how people respond to that is their responsibility. I have to mind my own monkeys and not be cluttered with theirs.

Carrying other people’s monkeys leads to:

• Stress and burnout.  I work with a lot of people suffering guilt, anxiety, panic attacks, and stressed out because they cannot say “No” to inappropriate requests and demands.
• Inappropriate self-imposed prisons.  People stop themselves from doing legitimate things that they want to do because of what others might think, and rob themselves of so much joy.
• Grumpiness, anger, resentment, and rumblings.  People make themselves do things that they do not want to do because of what others might think, and rob themselves of so much joy.
• Infantilization.  People carry inappropriate monkeys for others and keep the others as children, robbing them of the chance to grow up and learn monkey taming skills.

Why not start to think about your own monkey carrying, and start to free yourself up by getting rid of animals that really belong to other people. Despite what others may protest, it really is in everybody’s best interests to only carry your own responsibilities.
(A version of this was first published on 20/08/07.)

Tags: inappropriate guilt, infantilizaiton, monkey, responsibility